Life With Cats.

 

This is the latest instalment of Nute's life with her cats, written as a Shakespearean tragedy, on Facebook.

The cats are Janet's two (the "imaginary cats" - very shy cats taken in when Janet, their person and our friend, died) and who are super fussy about their food, even in cat terms; Bartholomew (a recently adopted stray); and the One-eyed Bandit (who arrives regularly via catflap from who knows where).

He is glossy and portly, so he either has a good home, or has a lot of regular cat restaurants to visit.  Probably both.

The photo is one Col took some years ago of one of the imaginaries, Abra, visible and asleep.

CATTUS ANDRONICUS: A Tragedy in One Act

Dramatis Personae

DANUTA – an elegant and wise woman of a certain age

ABRA – an Imaginary Cat of the grumpy persuasion

TABS – likewise, but mildly benign. The rumour that she has brain cells between her ears has been greatly exaggerated.

BARTHOLOMEW – a stray who was recently caught by a cat charity and de-nutted. BARTHOLOMEW is understandably a bit peeved about this.

THE ONE-EYED BANDIT – a one-eyed bandit.

Act 1, Scene 1

A kitchen. Enter DANUTA, bleary-eyed, yawning, would no doubt be scratching her bum if she wasn’t too elegant to do that. Heads towards kettle. Enter ABRA

ABRA: Yow! Yow! Yow! Yow!

DANUTA: sighs and diverts from kettle. Opens tin of super-expensive cat food and offers it to ABRA.

ABRA: Ack! (spurns food with burying motions) Yow! Yow! Yow! Yow!

DANUTA rotates cat dish south-east, north-west and finally nor-nor-west. ABRA consents to eat.

DANUTA heads back towards kettle. Enter TABS.

TABS: Chirp. Chirpchirpchirpchirp. (Walks in little circles) Chirp!

DANUTA: Sighs and diverts from kettle again. Opens a tin of different flavoured super-expensive cat food. Aligns the dish with the shadow cast by Stonehenge on the first Tuesday in May 1890.

TABS: Ack! (spurns food and makes burying motions) Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!

DANUTA realigns bowl, Stonehenge, shadow, June, first Thursday, 1969. TABS consents reluctantly to eat.

Enter ONE-EYED BANDIT, probably wearing cat flap round his middle.

ONE-EYED BANDIT: MAOWRR. Heads towards cat dishes as Imaginary Cats flee tripping up DANUTA who now has her cup of tea.

DANUTA: Delete!.

(DANUTA drops cup. Tea, bits of cup and what remains of DANUTA’s equilibrium head for four corners of the universe.) EXEUNT CATS.

DANUTA: DELETE DELETED DELETING DELETE! (Sits at table and bangs forehead on surface.)

Enter BARTHOLOMEW who makes his way to the dishes and cleans them out. Exits.

Enter TABS. Inspects empty dishes.

TABS: Chirp?

If Jehovah has kept Janet safe in his memory, then she will live again when the time comes to wake the dead from their dreamless sleep and I hope she will be so happy to know how well her last two cats settled down in their new home and their new rambling garden. We know she was very worried about how things would turn out for them.