The Ashes of Youth

Sonnet 73

William Shakespeare

That time of year thou mayst in me behold,
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
Bare ruined choirs, where late the sweet birds sang;
In me thou seest the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west,
Which by and by black night doth take away,
Death's second self that seals up all in rest;
In me thou seest the glowing of such fire
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the deathbed whereon it must expire,
Consum'd with that which it was nourish'd by;
This thou perceiv'st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well, which thou must leave ere long.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonnet_73


What a short time we have to spend with the people we love.  The sunset picture was taken on an island, during our travelling years, so a long time ago.  My own sunset years are nothing like as beautiful and dramatic, but more of a slow undignified slide, on a slope that is getting steeper and steeper.

But then the sun was made to rise and set - and we see perfection in every sunrise and sunset - and, such is the variety of Jehovah's creation, we never see the same one twice.  In contrast, we were made to live forever - but damaged and dying as we are now, we do not. And it is not pretty.  It's painful.  And not at all like the beautiful Maldivian sunset above.

Had a short Zoom visit to my new field service group on Saturday morning.  I am finding chatting in Zoom harder and harder now - unless it's one to one, which I can still just about do.   Col was out all day a'detecting in the rain, but was at home on Sunday, so I made a big effort and got to the Hall - by chauffeur. Mornings are so difficult now - and I have always been a morning person too!

I have noticed an interesting thing, that when I can get to the meetings my blood pressure is much lower.  (I am taking some measurements for my GP at the moment.)

And the root canal scheduled for Monday should put the bp up to machine-shattering proportions.  At any rate, it seems to have been done successfully - and I now have another long appointment to go through to get the post and crown fitted. I am hoping though there will not be as much drilling.

Hopefully he has done a very good job in that I have taken basic paracetamol doses - two yesterday and will take a couple more this morning, and no pain at all from the area of the tooth. The only problem is that everything else is sore, as spending all that time clenched up in the dentist's chair has not done the rest of my decrepit body any good.

However, I don't suppose his drilling away all my nerves while I was up  there would have been at all a good idea.

I am whinging away here, yet the world news is almost unspeakable in its horror.  The level of Epstein corruption seems to be spreading - with a headlines I cannot bear to read beyond...   

Surely the failure of human government must be evident by now?  So can that lead more and more of us, the damaged children of Adam, to come to find and serve the perfect government, the Kingdom of God.

Because the gift of life is so precious, so wonderful, so interesting - the planet earth is so lovely - and the universe in which we float is immense and beautiful beyond our comprehension.  Why would we ever want to leave it?

Storm Dentist?

There was a storm raging on Wednesday - rain, cold wind, stormy seas.  If it does not already have a name but needs one, can it be Storm Dentist, given that the cap that was re-glued to my tooth a couple of weeks ago fell off, requiring yet another visit to the Dentist?  Then I had to spend Wednesday morning on the phone as I arranged for a root canal job with a specialist in one of our local towns, and a follow up appointment with my own dentist for the fitting of the crown.

So two horrible dental sessions loom up.  I would really just have left it.  It doesn't show and isn't bothering me much.  But of course you never know if the gap will weaken the teeth around it, none of which are a high level of biting fitness anyway. 

The rest of Wednesday morning was taken up with visiting the Flower lady, who rang me on Tuesday to ask if we could restart the Bible study she had stopped last year.  She said she missed us a lot.  So we went, just for a coffee, and will re-start the study in a fortnight's time. But I was trying to convey to her gently that she must help us. We can't do all the work. She has to make the truth her own.  Anyway we restart Wednesday week, and need to pray about this.

Thursday morning seemed to have calmed Storm Dentist down.  And Col left early to join the Detectorists in their faraway Field.

I spent more time on the phone trying to fix up an appointment re my new hearing aids, which I am not coping with at all...  Was not helped by all the systems at the Audiologists having gone down for some hours.

My health is not improving.  Whatever is happening to my spine seems to be affecting my insides and making life very difficult. But I am on the verge of Too Much Information here, so I think I will finish and post.

I am just about to go through The Watchtower study for tomorrow, which is: Imitate Jehovah's Humility.   So I know I am in for a very upbuilding session - which I need - which we all need.  The article is on-line. JW.org - go to library, then go to meetings, if you would like to read it.

Anti-depressants

Here are the tulips gifted to me by my lovely sister.  And they truly are anti-depressants.  Each flower is a miracle of beauty and engineering, reminding us of their Creator, of his love and his care for us, of how lovely he made his earthly creation.

It is an assurance that can sustain all us damaged children of Adam.

Oh and Col put them in a vase made by my good friend who was a great potter in her day. We have many of her pieces round the house.  Sadly she died shortly after retirement.  But I do hope that one day I will see her again. I would love to have shared my books with her.  I did once send her one of my short stories and she said she loved it.  It made her laugh.

I watched the February Broadcast at the weekend. It was a long one, so I split it into two.  So I thought I would just put a few thoughts from it into my blog in the hopes that they will stay with me.  I am finding it hard to retain things now - my two remaining brain cells often seem to be at full stretch trying to remember my own name... which is... embarrassed pause... sound effect as of two brain cells whirling round a vast empty space, colliding, and producing a thought... look at the heading of this blog... Sue!  Hurray!

Anyway, here is what I hope to retain from the February broadcast:

Deepen my desire to please Jehovah - Hebrews 10:7   In trying to please Jehovah, to obey him, I am not only benefiting myself, but also those around me - first and foremost being Captain Butterfly, who I love very much.  Jehovah is the Source of love and wisdom, so all his laws are for our good.

Devote myself to a study of God's word - Joshua 1:8  Get back to personal Bible reading which has been neglected over the last few days. I am in 1 Samuel at the moment, and it is amazing to me how much I now understand it, can put it in context, and learn from it.  But I also realise that when I next get round to it, I will have learnt even more.  So keep on...

Never take the privilege of prayer for granted.  The speaker made the point that we have constant access to Jehovah, to the Almighty God himself. We can talk to him - come before him - at any time.  Maybe even the angels do not have such a privilege.  We must never ever take it for granted.

Every day that people do not know Jehovah hurts them.  What can I say?  I spent the first 38 years of my life not knowing Jehovah and only wish I had searched for my Creator much sooner than I did.  The creation was always there to tell me. And I had always wondered about what the New Zealand author Janet Frame called "the sadness that belongs to the world".  To understand what had happened to cause that sadness, I needed to read and understand the Bible.

By the way, I hope my recent blogs haven't been as gloomy as some of my recent emails have apparently been.   There is so much to hope for - there is more joy ahead of us, right here on the earth, than we can now imagine.  I look at those tulips and think that one day, through the undeserved kindness of the ransom sacrifice, I could be every bit as lovely and graceful as they are.

And yes, that will be a miracle.  Of course.

Another "Last"

 Safe in their Alabaster Chambers (124)

By Emily Dickinson

Safe in their Alabaster Chambers -

Untouched by Morning - 

and untouched by noon -

Sleep the meek members of the Resurrection, 

Rafter of Satin and Roof of Stone - 

Grand go the Years, 

In the Crescent above them -

Worlds scoop their Arcs - 

and Firmaments - row -

Diadems - drop -

And Doges surrender -

Soundless as Dots, 

On a Disk of Snow.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45719/safe-in-their-alabaster-chambers-124

As you see, I am having an Emily Dickinson phase at the moment. I came across her poetry in my first year at Uni - many many years ago. And have been a fan ever since.   I can't read this poem without thinking about my parents - and all the others, family and friends - who now sleep the dreamless sleep of death, knowing nothing of the years going by over their heads.

Bea and I talked on the phone on Thursday - and inevitably we mentioned some of those we had lost - so much family, so many friends. Then there is our health. Oh dear!  But we also cheered each other up and made each other laugh, which hopefully helps.  Bea had noted from my last email to her that I was rather down - which was very perceptive, as on the face of it it was an ordinary email.  

Other than that I made the now customary crumble and did the washing.  Plus some of the lights went out, so I had to find the key for the hall cupboard to get into the fusebox.  And I finished my study for the meeting tonight.  To which I went in pixel form as I was shaking with the pain by then - and very cold. I got into my big Broomhill Charity Shop woolly and  Col made me a hot water bottle.

And I did manage to sleep, which helped a lot.  On Friday we had a Zoom session with Julia, an old friend from our years on Planet Expat. She has been retired 10 years now - us even longer. We both agreed that we are loving retirement despite the health problems and are grateful to be here still.

But I think I may have had yet another"last" in that on Saturday Col and I were supposed to go to the annual Biological Recorders Conference, which is something we always enjoy. But I was in such pain that he had to go on his own.  So I guess last year's conference was my last - this side of Armageddon anyway.

And while he was away three of my congregation siblings called in with a bunch of tulips, and cheered me up. I had sent an email that alerted one of them that I was very depressed.  I didn't realise how gloomy I must have been sounding in my recent emails, but was very grateful for the company which was so positive and upbuilding and took my mind off the pain.

Anyway, I did manage to get a few hours sleep last night and, while I started today off creaking along on my zimmer, I can now manage without it.  I feel exhausted, like I have been through a long illness, but the awful pain has gone.  And we had a lovely meeting at the Kingdom Hall this morning - which hopefully comforted all of us - earthwide. I was there only in pixel form of course, but how grateful I am for the Zoom provision.

Sunrise

 

I'll Tell You How the Sun Rose

by Emily Dickinson

I'll tell you how the sun rose, —
A ribbon at a time.
The steeples swam in amethyst,
The news like squirrels ran.

The hill untied their bonnets,
The bobolinks begun.
Then I said softly to myself,
"That must have been the sun!"
……………………………..

But how he set, I know not.
There seemed a purple stile
Which little yellow boys and girls
Were climbing all the while

Till when they reached the other side,
A dominie in gray
Put gently up the evening bars, —
And led the flock away.

https://allpoetry.com/I'll-tell-you-how-the-sun-rose,---

Col sent me this pic he took of one of our recent sunrises.  We have had some lovely skies and some lovely seas.  I was going to say: we have had some lovely skies over lovely seas, but that reminded me of Pen remarking on some estate-agent speak, namely: "This house is built under a slate roof".  She said she wondered about the "under", as until that time she had hoped you could take it for granted that all houses were built under their roofs, rather than above them.

So hopefully we will always be able to take it for granted that the sky is over the sea, not under it.

We are watching an Aussie TV detective series at the moment.  We like to have something to watch together in the evening. But I can only take so much of it as the conventional version of detecting spreads everywhere.  In just about every episode now, a tiny girl detective - who is as obediently thin as Showbiz requires - beats up a large tough man. With no problem at all.  It happens every time...

And there is always a psychiatrist or a profiler... or sometimes both.

However, the actors are lovely, as is the setting, reminding me of our many holidays there in our expat years.  Well, apart from the shootings, and tiny little ladies constantly beating up big tough guys. I am happy to say that we didn't come across any of that.

Us Fantastic Books authors got together on Zoom for our monthly chat.  Some of us are selling quite well - others (me) are not. But I am so grateful to be published that I don't mind.  And it is always encouraging to chat with fellow writers.  It even inspired me to a small poem/verse about our Zoom meetings.

We Zoom/through space/with pixel face/each in our square/from here and there/a living fretwork/as we network.

It could continue with something like this: O Zoom, please ask your boss/why, when in your frame/I look nothing like Kate Moss.

Surely a bit of AI could fix that?

Captain B left very early this morning, with his sandwiches, metal detectors and lots of waterproofs to join the lads in some distant Field. And I hope to get the now routine crumble made, my studying for tonight done, maybe a cake for the freezer - I am down to the last two pieces - and hopefully to finish the witnessing I was given to last me the last 3 months. I will get some new territory next week, so I have a few days to finish.

I feel very old - my knees hurt, my insides hurt, my skin hurts.... but then I AM very old and every day is a bonus now.  And it is still wonderful to be alive, to look out over the English Channel - calm and grey this morning, in a cloudy sunrise.

The Amaryllis in Splendour

 

Amaryllis

By Connie Wanek

A flower needs to be this size

to conceal the winter window,

and this color, the red

of a Fiat with the top down,

to impress us, dull as we've grown.

Months ago the gigantic onion of a bulb

half above the soil

stuck out its green tongue

and slowly, day by day,

the flower itself entered our world,

closed, like hands that captured a moth,

then open, as eyes open,

and the amaryllis, seeing us,

was somehow undiscouraged.

It stands before us now

as we eat our soup;

you pour a little of your drinking water

into its saucer, and a few crumbs

of fragrant earth fall

onto the tabletop.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48910/amaryllis

Here is the Amaryllis that Helen and Mark gave us, in its splendour.  It must have happened overnight, as the last time I saw it it was a long green shoot.  Above it is one of the artist Brian Burchill's paintings, from his late period, when he was painting the Downland a lot.

The poet Dylan Thomas wrote about "the force that through the green shoot drives the flower".  And what is the force, that produces a tiny seed (or bulb or corm) coded with so much information that it becomes a green shoot, and then becomes the miracle of artistry and engineering we see above?

It is the spirit of the Sovereign Lord Jehovah, the Grand Creator.

As you see I found an amaryllis poem on line.  Wish I could have written one myself, but who knows, maybe it will inspire me.

I had an unusually busy Saturday - for me, these days.  Got the washing done, scrubbed out the bathroom, dusted and polished the bedroom, and cleared up all my vast supply of medicines and medical supplies, and restored order.  And got some witnessing letters done, plus my Watchtower study for Sunday - a very comforting article about the Book of Job. Its on JW.org, under "Meetings", should you want to read it. And of course I had supper ready for Captain B when he returned from a wet day in The Field.

However, although it was hardly a marathon, I felt really ill by the end of the day - and have developed an interesting new pain under my right shoulder which means I can't reach up for anything at the moment. I was only able to be just in time for the Zoom meeting on Sunday, even though Col was at home to help me, that is how creaky I was!  And then we watched Bargain Hunt with our lunch.  Both teams made money, and both got golden gavels, so a happy outcome.  And I spent the afternoon making a cauliflower cheese for supper. It was OK, but not as good as Nute's.

By Monday morning, my right knee was painful and swollen... and as for the News - the levels of corruption being revealed as more and more of the horrors from the Epstein files come to light - horrible. He was, it seems, an equal opportunity corrupter, both wings of the political system being involved - willingly so, as far as I can tell. 

I was busy in a Zoom session this morning when the phone rang.  It was Pen. "Hi Pen" I said surprised. "Have you forgotten we are having our Zoom meeting early today?" she asked.

I had.

So I hastily came out of Zoom Session One and joined my Sibling Zoom Session.  John had forgotten too and turned up at 11:00 as usual. So we did get 15 minutes with him.  It was quite handy in a way, as I had not managed to make anything for lunch - a bad Sunday and a bad night - pain - but that gave me time to get a sort of veg curry soup/stew up and running.  It is simmering now, as I finish this blog.  So, on that (un)astounding bit of News, I won't say: Hold the Presses! - but will finish this and post.