Forgetting how to sleep

I seem to have lost the knack of sleep at the moment.  Is this another manifestation of old age?  Or something else?  Of course it doesn't help that my hospital experience keeps coming back to me in haunting detail in the early hours - and the temptation is to give up on the operations and settle for a housebound life.

We went to Jackie's for supper on Saturday - roast lamb - cheese and biscuits, and cheesecake. Tom was there and we had a good evening, and we talked a little about Jill.    I had 3 glasses of excellent white wine and thought it might help me sleep. But it didn't.  The Captain couldn't sleep either and we were making each other cups of tea in the early hours.

A lovely sunny day yesterday - clear blue sky - a chance for some of the floodwater to drain before the next lot arrives.

I was just reading that the new Sherlock is a big hit in China.  I hope they don't keep us waiting too long for the next one.  And could they possibly be bringing Andrew Scott's marvelously mad and scary Moriarty back?  I don't see how - but, hey, this is fiction after all.   My Own Theory - and you read it here first - is that - no - I don't think I really have one that could actually involve him coming back.

Its a good thing its not me who's writing it.

Another Hospital Day

We saw my young surgeon and one of his Dr.Watsons (to his Sherlock) yesterday. And Col chauffered me to the meeting and back.  We met two of my sisters who had been visiting Audrey who is still in hospital. Unfortunately it was a long session for me, and we only just got back in time for the meeting, so I couldn't go to her ward to say hello afterwards. She has the card though.

So far, all my recent doctors have been young British Muslims. And so far they have all been lovely. Kind, sensitive, answered my questions, taken my concerns seriously.  I am very glad that all their families took the decision to move to the UK.

Though I am dreading every second of my coming operation.  My surgeon explained to me why I couldn't have a pain pump on my knee, and I have to accept it. He is trying to protect me from hospital infections, which will go straight to the bone.  But its not so much the pain, or even the operation I dread, its the days in hospital afterwards.  You need to be fit and strong to stand up to being in hospital, and I will be just the opposite.

They are scary places too, with all sorts of people roaming round.  And that is very worrying when you can't move.  I couldn't even sit myself up in bed for about 24 hours, because of the pain.  

I wonder if I can really go through with it again, or will I chicken out?

A Letter from the Tunnel

There was a letter from The Tunnel of Terror on the mat this morning. And it had come first class!  I nearly fainted, thinking they were going to ask me to rush in for treatment - or maybe to cut out the middleman altogether, and get straight round to the undertakers.   I rang Captain B - out conserving things - to be on standby.   However - and thank God - it was all OK. And it was good of the Tunnel to tell me so quickly

What a relief.  No further treatment needed. And how grateful I am to Jehovah that he helped to keep me still and inside the terrifying contraption.

Jackie came round for coffee yesterday morning - proper coffee made by the Captain, and with Julia's Marks & Sparks biscuits.  We are being good with them and rationing ourselves to one a day after dinner.

Barbara Pym and Elizabeth Jane Howard

Sunny today, but colder.  We did have a violent rainstorm yesterday, but the Captain was able to get out in the afternoon with his camera.  The floodwaters are receding.

An Oz facebook friend has just told me that he has read "Some Tame Gazelle" and really enjoyed its gentle humour.  He is now going to find "Four Quartets", also by Pym, and if he does, I would love to hear what he thinks.  Marcia's descent into confusion is beautifully evoked - without sentimentality. She is not in the least a sweet little old lady.

Elizabeth Jane Howard has just died.  I meant to write to her and say how much I enjoyed her autobiography "SlipStream", but I didn't.  Its well written, of course, and an interesting glimpse into the (rather depressing) lives of the rich and famous.  It also shows how much damage is done by childhood abuse. She is very kind and understanding towards her father in the book - she only touches briefly on what happened.   Her father was wonderful to her when she was a child, and gave her the love and approval she did not get from her mother, but the moment she became an adolescent, he changed in a shocking way.  Its clear from the rest of her life what damage it did.

I also wanted to write to her about this. When talking of a friend who was kind and helpful to her after she left Kingsley Amis, Elizabeth Jane Howard notes, approvingly I think, that the friend in question (Ursula) says that if the meek are to inherit the earth, she is leaving it.

So of course I wanted to tell her that the Bible is not referring to meekness as a character trait - though I'm not sure why she was so against it - but to  those who are meek towards their Creator.  The meek are those who will listen and obey.  And people of all kinds and temperaments do listen, and are listening.  And many people who are meek under the Ursula definition are not at all meek towards God's inspired word.

I am just re-reading Martin Amis "Experience", as the implosion of the Howard Amis marriage was part of his story too.    Clearly they created a wonderful life at Lemmons, for a while.

I hope both Barbara Pym and Elizabeth Jane Howard will wake up when the time comes.  Will they write more wonderful books if so?   And what would their subject matter be?  At the moment we only have one subject really. Things go wrong and have to be put right.  

What we might write about then we can't imagine now.  Lets just hope we all "inherit the earth" and find out.

Depressed and Anxious?

They gave me a Joint Info Questionnaire to fill in yesterday and one of the questions was:  "Are you anxious and depressed about your condition?"     Truthfully, I answered "no".  I am very anxious about the coming operation - anxious about every second of it - most especially about those days in hospital afterwards.
But I'm not depressed or anxious as such.   Which is thanks to Jehovah, and his word, and his organisation, which teaches so well and so kindly.

And I also got a comforting reminder of how Jehovah will extend help and "undeserved kindness" when we ask Him.   One of the young nurses who saw me yesterday was a strong young lad, a rugby player. He was fun too. The three of us laughed quite a lot over various things.  And when I was explaining the enormous bruise on my arm - from the cannula they used to inject me during my time in the Tube of Terror - he was telling us that they tried to put him in it, and he simply could not go in.  He could face a rugby scrum, but not that.  It made him literally sick - he said he threw up afterwards.

And I knew just how he felt.  That machine encloses you so tightly - every fibre of your body is telling you not to go into a space like that.  But as they slid me in I kept asking Jehovah for help to keep me calm and keep me in there - and I also prayed that He would help me to keep still, as its not easy for all that time, plus there was a time when I wanted to cough - and another time when my nose itched - and my arms were pinned at my sides!

And I got through it - me the biggest wimp of all time, with a backbone of solid custard.  So Jehovah did help.  I stayed calm and still, as the machine swallowed me, pinned me down, and clattered "papapapapapapapapapamamamamamamama" at me for a long long time.  And, apparently, they got good photos. Whether the outcome will be good, I still have to find out, but at least the info has been got.

I must now pray that Jehovah will help me to get through to people. We all need this help so much.  It is literally vital, as Armageddon approaches.  But He will help so much right now, in every way, with everything, IF we listen to Him and let Him.

He gave us free will - the ability to obey Him freely, because we love Him with all our heart.  And He will not take back that gift.  

The Process Begins

Spent most of the day at the hospital beginning all the pre-op procedures.  A taste of things to come.  I am dreading every second of it.   But I did manage to ask about pain-killing and when they looked at my files they realised I wasn't just being a big girls blouse, but that there was a problem last time, and they made me an appointment with the anaesthetist - perhaps he can come up with some ideas.  

There is clearly a reason, medical, why I can't have the usual things you get after an op.  But hopefully they will find something I can have.

It has completely exhausted me - just walking down all those hospital corridors.   I have done nothing since we got back, beyond lie on the sofa groaning - oh and put all the new appointments in the calendar and the things for the operation in their various places.

Captain Butterfly not only chauffered and chaperoned me, but got us our tea when we got back.  Beans on toast followed by a small choc ice. And most welcome it was too.

The Plans of Mice and Men

I don't know if there are a lot of thwarted mice around this morning, but my plans for yesterday went agley. The Captain was out a'searching and a'rescuing all day - and I can't drive or shop -so he had to race back to the station to pick up Julia and they stopped off at the fish and chip shop on the way back and at Lidl's for desserts and fruit. All I had to do was set the table and warm the plates up.

Julia bought us a bottle of Oyster Bay - a NZ wine which is our favourite, and Jackie's.  But she bought the red version, which I didn't even know existed.  It was lovely.  And she bought us a giant tin of chocolate biscuits from M & S.  The biscuits will be lovely too course, but the tin is perfect as its not only pretty but just the right size for a cake tin. something I don't seem to possess at the moment. I left a lot of stuff behind in our kitchen in ExpatWorld when we finally left.

I spent the day tidying, polishing, and making some little cakes.  And studying.

She and the Captain have gone to the Wildlife Photo Exhibition in London today.  I wish I could have gone - always used to.  But, until I get my second new knee....  Anyway, it was good of Julia to come all the way down as he now has someone to go with.  I made them both a packed lunch (cheese sandwiches and carrot cake).

It will be nice to have Julia back in the UK once she retires, and I hope we will then meet up with her dogs again - Sophie and Mishka.  I am sure they will not have forgotten us. We have not forgotten them.

Audrey is still in hospital following her fall, but so far it seems nothing is broken.   I have a big hospital day coming up, for my Joint School.  And I spent a lot of time on the phone with my young surgeon yesterday as he tried to settle just which date my operation is supposed to be on.

I dread every moment of it, now that I know just what I am in for.